Sunday, March 20, 2011

On a personal note

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I've updated. I told you I wasn't feeling well, and I'm still recovering. I haven't been really open about what's going on with me, so I decided it's about time - so hopefully you'll understand what I'm going through. If you don't want to know about my life, or can't stand emotional misery, this is the moment for you to click away.

If you've been following my blog since last year, you probably know that I had mono and a car accident that caused a concussion that wasn't treated, and lead to concentration problems that made me unable to function at my job. After that, I was able to recover and work more hours. Even though my employer told me I was doing good, and so did my coworkers, one day before term of notice, they told me that I had that day to round up my work and leave. That was a total shock for me.

So I sat at home. You can probably imagine how boring it was to be at home for a month, just trying to look for jobs. My boyfriend urged me to apply for different functions, and so I did. I didn't even get invited to do an interview. I also suffered from signs of depression after mono and losing my job, but when my boyfriend decided to end our relationship of 3,5 years, I was devastated. I laid on the couch just bawling my eyes out for three weeks. After that, I was taken on holiday for a week by my parents and after that by Michelle and Michèle. Both did great things for me - it distracted me from my misery and in both weeks I really had a great time.

I was kind of okay for a while, until I got hit by the hammer in September. My mood worsened and I didn't want to be around people anymore. This was the reason that many of my friends dropped me. I can't blame them, really, because I didn't have the energy or the will to keep up the contact and everything. I just wanted to be left alone so I could deal with my pain. Some people will say that it's just heartbreak and it'll take a little time to get over it, but it was more for me. It was losing the life I had. I lost my health, job, cat, boyfriend and friends. It was a major setback because I was just trying to get it all together again. My boyfriend was not only my partner, he was my best friend, someone I could talk to about everything. Every weekend that I went to his place was something I really looked forward to - mostly because things at my place weren't going so well.

I miss everyone I had around me in the last couple of years. I really do. But they made it clear that they don't want to invest any more time in our relationship because they feel I should just suck it up and get on with my life. I just can't. I can't pretend nothing happened. And this hurts. A lot. It makes it harder for me to go on with my life, because I'm more or less on my own. I will get there, sure, but it's going to take a lot of time. I know that now. It's been almost 9 months since my relationship ended and I still have so much trouble thinking about it and giving it a place.

I hope you'll understand that I'm not ready to take up blogging again. Maybe I'll update again in the next couple of weeks, even though it's only one post - I still wear nail polish and I have a backlog that would probably take care of posts up until May. But I don't feel like blogging. I feel like I should get everything straight before I continue with my blog. But at this moment, I'm still looking and applying for jobs. On most applications, I don't even get a reply. It sucks. I graduated with good grades and they don't want me for the jobs they're offering because the function would be below my education level or whatever.

Anyway.. I have gotten a ton of emails in the last weeks/months and I'll do my best to answer every single one of them today. I'm not sure if I can manage it all in one day, but if not, expect a reply in the coming week. I'll really do my best because I sorta feel like I leave you hanging.

Thanks for all the emails and messages. It means a lot. I really hope I can pick up blogging and everything around it again, because I really miss you guys


  1. Ik vond het al zo raar dat je van de een op andere dag van de aardbodem was verdwenen. Is therapie geen idee? Als je na 9 maanden het nog steeds geen plekje kan geven lijkt me dat eigenlijk wel een goed idee.

    If you need to talk - you know where to find me <3

  2. Thanks :) *smoochies*

    Ik heb 9 maanden therapie gehad afgelopen jaar, totdat ik het geld voor de sessies niet meer kon opbrengen. Ik zit in een soort vicueuze cirkel.. Zucht. Ik moet zeggen dat ik me wel een stukje beter voel nadat ik alles hier heb neergepend.. Got it a little off my chest.

  3. aww hunny you poor thing...i totally understand your decision...i hope things get better for you!

    /Mega hugs to you xxxx

  4. I totally understand your misery atm as I have battled with mental illness before so I know how debilitating and draining it is. It can be beat though, I wish you the best luck in the world and hope you get better soon :) lots of love and keep going with the job applications! :) xxx

  5. Sending all my love to you. I have learned through my yearly winter depressions who my friends really are. It's a tough way of learing who your true friends are. I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal. Concentrate on what's important, you getting better and stronger. Because you will be. Love /Helen

  6. O sweetie... *hugs* I'm so sorry you have to go through all this! I hope everything will get better!

  7. <3 i hope you find love and company from your blog followers :) <3 hugs!

  8. Oh, I'm so sorry for this situation. Sometimes it looks like everything goes wrong and you can think that you are the wrong thing but belive me, you're not wrong :) try to be with nice and kind people, true few friends. It will take time but I belive that you are strong and you will be able to raise up :)
    I'm sending a big hugh from Italy... try to find a reason to smile, everyday...

  9. I'm sorry about what you have gone through. I just want to send you hugs.

  10. This sounds like a lot is going on in your life. Also, as a professional, it sounds like you are battling some intense depression along with your other concerns. I hope you are being fully treated for this. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

  11. Hi,
    I just want to tell you I read every post you make and I think you are one of the best bloggers in the "nailosphere". Your stampability posts are an asset to our community. I will miss you and I will keep you on my blog roll, hoping you will find new strenght and happiness in your life, whether you will continue with your lovely blog or not.

  12. It's okay!I do miss yoru posts, but I understand and take your time. It's gonna be okay!<3

  13. :( feel better! You have a lot of people you have never met that care about you :)

  14. Oh... Now I can understand more. In the same time you fell sick, I was too, and I'm still recovering, too, so I can understand your mood, although I started my own blog, but only to pass my time at home these weeks... By the way, I miss a lot you and Michelle and Michèle, but there are more important things, of course. Take care of yourself and your life. <3 *hugs* Jessica

  15. this seems like a wildly inappropriate place for a fight club quote, but in the words of Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

    as someone who's been where you are before, take heart, you'll make it through this.

  16. You're going really through a lot! I hope you can recover soon, taking care of "one thing at a time".
    A big hug!

  17. Aww. Sweetie. Here's a hug. And another one.

    I am so sorry that things have been so rough for you. Recovering from major, unexpected changes can be a tough process. I hope that as time goes by, you will start to feel better, get a good job and begin to emerge from your dark place and back into the light.

    Hang in there. Be good to yourself and just take the time you need to get through.

    I am gong to keep you on my blogroll so that I will see you when you pop up, again.

    One more hug.

  18. take your time babe! do what you got to do to get better and we'll all be here when you're ready to jump back on the horse. Just know we love ya!

  19. Oh my goodness, what a horrid bunch of events to occur all at once! Gentle hugs from across the ocean, and please, please take good care of yourself. I'll be here if/when you come back to blogging.

  20. Och jeetje ik herken heel veel :(
    Ik heb ook geen werk heb me hbo diploma maar voor lagere functies word je afgewezen want je bent te hoog opgeleid, maar wat maakt het uit als ik de baan leuk vind en tevreden over het loon ben? Door van alles heb ik nu mega faalangst dat ik niet eens meer durf te solliciteren pfff.
    Heel veel sterkte met alles ♥

  21. Djeeez, wat herkenbaar. Alles loopt tegelijkertijd mis en je voelt je eenzaam, kut en waardeloos. Ik kan helaas nu nog niet zeggen uit ervaring dat het beter wordt, maar waarschijnlijk werkt het wel zo. Hold on!

  22. I am in the same boat as you so I know your pain! HANG IN THERE! <3 Deirdre

  23. Big hugs to you! Please take good care of yourself.

  24. Hi!

    I'm from Brazil and I loved your blog, but this post made me sad... It might be weird if I say that I understand exactly how you feel, but I do.

    You should try to make new friends and your blog is an excellent way to do that. So don't leave it for long period of time.

    Anyway, I would love to have one more international friend and I am sure we have a lot to talk about, not only polishes...I know how it feels to need someone that is not there, so..If you'd like to talk to me you can send me an e-mail, ok?



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