Sunday, March 20, 2011

On a personal note

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I've updated. I told you I wasn't feeling well, and I'm still recovering. I haven't been really open about what's going on with me, so I decided it's about time - so hopefully you'll understand what I'm going through. If you don't want to know about my life, or can't stand emotional misery, this is the moment for you to click away.

If you've been following my blog since last year, you probably know that I had mono and a car accident that caused a concussion that wasn't treated, and lead to concentration problems that made me unable to function at my job. After that, I was able to recover and work more hours. Even though my employer told me I was doing good, and so did my coworkers, one day before term of notice, they told me that I had that day to round up my work and leave. That was a total shock for me.

So I sat at home. You can probably imagine how boring it was to be at home for a month, just trying to look for jobs. My boyfriend urged me to apply for different functions, and so I did. I didn't even get invited to do an interview. I also suffered from signs of depression after mono and losing my job, but when my boyfriend decided to end our relationship of 3,5 years, I was devastated. I laid on the couch just bawling my eyes out for three weeks. After that, I was taken on holiday for a week by my parents and after that by Michelle and Michèle. Both did great things for me - it distracted me from my misery and in both weeks I really had a great time.

I was kind of okay for a while, until I got hit by the hammer in September. My mood worsened and I didn't want to be around people anymore. This was the reason that many of my friends dropped me. I can't blame them, really, because I didn't have the energy or the will to keep up the contact and everything. I just wanted to be left alone so I could deal with my pain. Some people will say that it's just heartbreak and it'll take a little time to get over it, but it was more for me. It was losing the life I had. I lost my health, job, cat, boyfriend and friends. It was a major setback because I was just trying to get it all together again. My boyfriend was not only my partner, he was my best friend, someone I could talk to about everything. Every weekend that I went to his place was something I really looked forward to - mostly because things at my place weren't going so well.

I miss everyone I had around me in the last couple of years. I really do. But they made it clear that they don't want to invest any more time in our relationship because they feel I should just suck it up and get on with my life. I just can't. I can't pretend nothing happened. And this hurts. A lot. It makes it harder for me to go on with my life, because I'm more or less on my own. I will get there, sure, but it's going to take a lot of time. I know that now. It's been almost 9 months since my relationship ended and I still have so much trouble thinking about it and giving it a place.

I hope you'll understand that I'm not ready to take up blogging again. Maybe I'll update again in the next couple of weeks, even though it's only one post - I still wear nail polish and I have a backlog that would probably take care of posts up until May. But I don't feel like blogging. I feel like I should get everything straight before I continue with my blog. But at this moment, I'm still looking and applying for jobs. On most applications, I don't even get a reply. It sucks. I graduated with good grades and they don't want me for the jobs they're offering because the function would be below my education level or whatever.

Anyway.. I have gotten a ton of emails in the last weeks/months and I'll do my best to answer every single one of them today. I'm not sure if I can manage it all in one day, but if not, expect a reply in the coming week. I'll really do my best because I sorta feel like I leave you hanging.

Thanks for all the emails and messages. It means a lot. I really hope I can pick up blogging and everything around it again, because I really miss you guys